jazz to go

Question: How do you know when a singer is
at your door?
Answer: They can never find the key so they are
always late coming in

Question: What do you get if you drop a bomb on an
army barracks?
Answer: A flat major

Question: What do you get if you drop a bomb on a mineshaft?
Answer: A flat minor

Question: How do you know when the stage is level?
Answer: The drummer is drooling out of both sides of
his mouth

Question: What does a dead composer do?
Answer: Decompose

Question: How do you make a guitarist play softer?
Answer: Give him a sheet of music!

A guy went to his doctor and said ‘I’ve hurt my hand, will I be able to play the piano?’
The doctor replied ‘Yes, you will be able to play the piano’
When the guy walked out of the surgery he had a big grin on his face and said ‘that’s great as I could never play the piano before!’

Definitions of Musical Terms

p - piano (soft): the neighbours have complained
f - forte (loud): the neighbours are out
Crescendo (getting louder): testing the neighbours tolerance
ff - fortissimo (very loud): to hell with the neighbours
pp - pianissimo (very soft): the neighbours are at the door
Dim: thick
Obbligato: being forced to practice
Rit (and/or) Rall: coming up to the bit you haven’t practiced
Con moto: I have a car
Allegro: a little motor car
Maestro: a bigger motor car
Metronome: person small enough to fit comfortably into a Mini
Lento: the days leading up to Easter (with eggs and chocolate)
Largo: brewed in Germany (hence “Handel’s Largo reaches parts other beers cannot reach”)
Piu Animato: if you don’t clean that rabbit out it will have to go
Interval: time to meet the players in the bar
Perfect Interval: when drinks are on the house
Cantabile: singing (that is, viz. drunk)
Con spirito: drunk again
Cantata: a fizzy drink
Tutti: ice cream
Coda: served with chipsa
Codetta: child’s portion
Subdominant: “I can’t play until I’ve asked the wife”
Tonic: a pick-me-up
Syncopation: bowel condition brought on by an overdose of Jazz
Quaver: the feeling you get before a lesson when you haven’t practiced
Key signatures: silly things put there to frighten you (ignore them - they will go away and so will your audience)
Colla voce: this shirt is so tight I can’t talk
Flats: English apartments
A tempo de cafe: Ah, coffee time!
Improvisation: what you do when the music falls down
Opus: exclamation made when Moggy has done a 'whoopsie' on the carpet
Scales: fishy things